Tuesday, October 29, 2013

IS BILLY SHAKESPEARE REALLY A VAMPIRE? INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW



Happy Halloween Everyone.

As you can see, I, L.J. Holmes dressed as a feathery prism. I figured since I have this reputation by some of being a prism I should see if I could DRESS the part.

What do you think? Did I make it? Not sure if I'm a colorful eagle or a tie-dyed pea-hen.

But I KNOW you recognize KAT'S brilliant costume...

Yep. you're right. She's so smart she's a walking brain.

Kat and I are dressed in our most intriguing costumes because good old Billy Shakespeare, you know, 

THE long past his due date,BARD,  sent word via 

Land Trolls he wanted to rise up and challenge L.J. and Kat Holmes to another "Prose-off." But don't quote me on that...You know how reliable Land Trolls are as messengers.

Back to good OLD Billy, you gotta feel sorry for a guy who spends most of his time playing tag with 

earth worms and still thinks he's up to the challenges Kat and I put forth upon his magnificence ..Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got a little...prosaic...there, but I must make poor Deader Than A Door Nail

Billy Shakespeare feel a little bit at home before Kat and I reduce him back to his moldering state of 

over-inflated bone-dust.

Okay, look sharp, here he is. 

Hey Billy, looking spiffy today...a bit peaked, but other than that...I must say I love all your points. 

(Whispering so he won't hear, L.J. leans over to Kat and asks...did you see what I saw...fangs?...Kat shrugged.

L.J. I have to ask the obvious question based on how...refined you look in those pantaloons, are you here to celebrate Halloween?

B.S. What's Halloween? Are you talking about that holiday where people go all elaborate living out their fantasies by playing at looking like someone...or someTHING else? What are you wearing, by the way?

L.J. I'm a prismatic Eagle or spectacular pea-hen, and Kat is a Walking Brain.

B.S. (shaking his head) And they say corpse's have no life!

L.J. That's just plain mean. Okay if you're not here to celebrate the holiday of all things ghoulish, why are you here?

K.H. I hate to be rude, B.S. but if I turn my head this way, you almost look like a vampire.

B.S. Ooops! Did my fangs show? And after all the Fang-Be-Gone I had Igor, Eyegor, and Itzsore buff into them. Can't trust hunchbacks to get anything right.

L.J. I knew it. I knew it all along. I told Kat long ago anyone who could write a tale like the one no one will mention the name of before performing it, has to have been a vampire with a virulent case of witch envy. Such a person must be from the dark side.

B.S. (chuckling) Close, but not quite true.

K.H. You're NOT a vampire?

B.S. Not everything with fangs is a blood sucker, but I do know a few O negative-a-holics. Let me just go ahead and tell you guys why I wanted to visit right now, okay?

There's a rumor going around the Underworld...don't laugh we do have our version of Western Union...Back to the rumor...Is it true Kat, you have been approached by my favorite kinky, dark loving goddess to report to the world the TRUTH about...(B.S. carefully and nervously looks all around before leaning in to whisper)...

Hekate' Web?

K.H. WOW! I'm being talked about by the Underground?

B.S. Not just talked about...oh my, you're their/OUR hero and word is out you're about to let Book Two loose of the ongoing Hekate's intensely coveted vamp and demonic archives on the <gulp> living world.

In fact someone, we think maybe a water demon, copied some unauthorized posters of your cover and they're hanging everywhere down below. 

And what a cover/poster SEEKER is? I personally am in love with Edeline. What a woman! Love her lips. But don't tell Atu I said that. He's a scary dude and I try to stay on his c-o-o-o-o-l-l-l side. Safer that way.

Back to Edeline, Atu, and you, Kat. All of your deeply loyal fans keeping time Down-Sliding in the seas of...well happy brine want to know everything you can tell us, especially when we can get our hands on it? That Edeline chick...I so want to sleep with her book beneath my rock pillow...bet it can make my rock, rumble!

Can you tell I'm all a-quiver? I've got GOOSEBUMPS. Have you any idea how long its been since I had goosebumps? 

I tried to contact Hekate and ask her, but she sent me a 

dirt devil with the message to come here and ask you...so here I am...Tell me about SEEKER.

K.H. You already know it's book two in the Hekate's Web Series. It pretty much picks up where HIDDEN left off.

B.S. (nodding his head.) Oh yeah. That Lilith is quite a knockout, but Edeline...hubba hubba! That woman tugs my dusty bowstrings. 

L.J. (nodding) It's a powerful story, B.S. Kat did an exceptional job channeling Hekate's archives. You do know Atu and Edeline are on an important quest, commanded by Hekate, right?

B.S. Oooh oooh, oooh. Can I be what they're questing for? I know Muse It Up Publishing keeps dredging up that harlot 

Bonella...so how about letting Edeline dredge up me?

K.H. (skeptically) Are you sure you know Atu?

B.S. Well hell. everyone needs some...pungent competition, and there are very few more pungent than me. 

L.J. (wrinkling her nose.) You sure have that right, but Hekate's already approved Kat's telling of SEEKER the way it is. The whole idea is to let the world know who REALLY is the creator of vampires. She's kinda pissed about all the fake stories being bandied around about HER inventions.

B.S. Not fair. I can be just as scary as Atu, so when are you going to bring me into Hekate's Web?

K.H. I'm really sorry, Billy. I can't speak for Hekate. She's the one who makes these decisions. Maybe you should fly to Mount Olympus and spend time presenting your case to her.

B.S. (wincing) She doesn't like it when her ghouls, demons, and vamps pop in on the Mount. We get such a sermon..and trust me Hekate puts quite a spin on giving sermons on her mount.

L.J. Kat, why don't you let him read the back cover of your book, and maybe add a little bit of a teaser?

B.S. (fairly jumping like a bunny on a carrot high) Oh...please, please, please? And could I take it back with me to the Underworld? What a hero I'll be, and I can make all my under buds rise up on the day it's released and glam our humans into buying it. When is it coming out, by the way. You didn't say.

K.H. SEEKER the sequel to 
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HIDDEN is coming out from MUSE IT UP PUBLISHING on Friday November 1st.

B.S. PERFECT...all saints day when ghouls and saints get to break through the barriers of life and death. Great day for haunting all those who don't buy your book....

willingly.

K.H. From your lips to Hekate's ears!

L.J. Come on Kat, let's go get Billy the teasers. We'll be right back.

B.S. Cool. I'll just practice some of my best lines while you're gone. {actively clearing his parched throat.} 

To be, or not to be...I lstill like that question!

Something's Rotten in the State of Denmark...God that Hamlet really was a bit of a whiner!

O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo....That Juliet...blinder than a bat.

K.H. We're back!

B.S. Good. I was getting tired of the idiots I created.  Is this it? Gimmee, gimmee, gimmee! 

Oh Yeah, I am so gonna to out do that water demon when I get this back home. 

Thanks girls, and Kat if you don't get big sales, me and my buds are going to set off such a stinking world wide haunt-fest, people'll run to the nearest e-seller.

L.J. That's sweet of you, Billy. And you know, if either of us get a chance to speak with Hekate any time soon, we'll run the idea by her about writing your underworld story.

B.S. Awww. If I weren't already dead I'd be blushing. I guess I'd better get back and prepare myself for the hero-worship. You two take good care...until next time.

L.J.  Thanks Billy.  
K.H. As always, it was fun.
L.J. Well see you soon. 



Back Cover
Atu is an ancient warrior and vampire long in the service of his king. He has no desire for home or family. But when the Goddess Hekate tasks him with finding an ancient artefact before his enemies do, he is forced to enlist the aid of a woman who drives him crazy.
Edeline Comstock has the sight and has been cursed and reviled for it by her family. When she finds herself under attack from a monster, a dark and dangerous man is her only salvation, or he might be her destruction.
Forced to aid Atu, time is running out to uncover the secrets of the past. But a far greater danger stalks Edeline, one from which there may be no return.

Excerpt
The face that stared back at her was wan and haggard. How she hated days like this. The past couple of weeks had been rougher than usual and the stress and strain just added to her already existing problems. God, she was sick of problems.
Edeline Comstock was tired. And what was worse, she knew already, as she always did, that her day wasn’t nearly over. Nope, like it or not, she’d call. That damn news article had seen to that. There’d be no avoiding Stephanie’s ranting rage even though Edeline really wasn’t up for it.
At least she no longer lived with the bitch. Once she’d turned eighteen she’d inherited her mother’s fortune. She hadn’t even waited till her father and stepmother returned from Europe before she rented a townhouse. She’d packed her things and left her brother and sister in the care of their nanny without a second thought. Wyatt and Courtney didn’t like her any more than her stepmother did thanks to Stephanie’s so-called nurturing over the years.
Freaky, weird, scarecrow, beanpole. She’d heard all those insults and many others over the years. Her stepmother created a few more choice insults to call her when the words everyone used failed to fully express the total scope of Stephanie’s hatred. It didn’t help that as her father climbed the political ladder, he withdrew more and more from any role in Edeline’s upbringing, allowing Stephanie unhampered control over her.




Wednesday, May 22, 2013

LIN AND KAT FIND THERE'S FIRE IN BILLY SHAKESPEARE'S BELLY


Lin: How ya doing Billy? Did you manage to get out of the crypt okay?

Billy Shakespeare: Getting out of the crypt wasn't too bad, but you guys didn't tell me I was emerging into the center of an English soaker complete with 85 MPH winds. I think I lost some of my bone motes over the English Channel.

Kat: Yeah...speaking of that. May I ask you a personal question? How do you manage to stay up with all Mom and I and so many of the more MODERN authors do with you being...well...little more than dust?

BS: I have a very organized mind!

Lin: Still? After all this time in the ground? I thought brain matter...turned to ooze long before your bones turned to dust?

BS: That, My dear, is why you're still an UP AND COMING author and I...well I'm THE BARD!

Lin: Oh Yeah? Okay I admit you still are required reading in many schools, but every MODERN publisher and editor I've spoken with has there own take on whether you'd be published TODAY without some MAJOR rewrites. They ALSO tell me you wouldn't be much of a draw in today's literary market. You had PASSION in your writing, but it mostly happens inside the heads of your characters not in bold black and white.

BS: Decorum, Ms. Holmes. People love MY decorum.

Kat: Decorum my eyeball...Nowhere in ANY of your writings can I find you telling your characters to "tongue a clit!"

BS: <shaking so hard a storm of bone dusts swirls above our heads> Be still my non-beating heart! Oh what YOU said! Shame on you! And YOU...you're her mother and let her talk like this? Convent! You BOTH need to spend some quality time in a convent.

Lin: Come on, Billy...you're not kidding us. We KNOW your generation did the horizontal mambo just as much as the current generations so...you just want to PRETEND your more pious and circumspect about getting down and dirty. It's not washing!

BS: Did you bring me out of my comfort zone to challenge me on...things better left to the imagination?

Lin: Yeah actually we did! Kat and I have been talking a lot with our publisher about the world's need for erotica..hot, steamy, eyes sweating reads that get your libido pumping. We know you think Romeo and Juliet delivers that kind of tension and angst...and it does...sort of...you've got plenty of ANGST anyway, but where's the flesh slapping, gooey, raw fire?

BS: They were kids!

Kat: Kids you had fall so much in love they committed suicide when they couldn't have their way. I mean hell...those poor "kids" died without ever getting a chance to play "Hide-the-salami!" How romantic is that?

BS: Again...decorum!

Lin: (shaking her head). Not today. Decorum has it's place...unless you're role playing you don't go outside and get raw and humpy-pumpy in public, but when you're reading a story, today, you want more between the pages than just unrequited sexual angst.

BS. Ohhh what you said! I think I may faint!

Lin: (shrugging) I think it takes more than being made up of bone dust to faint.

Kat: Yeah...how would you even know you've fainted?"

BS: The people of today are...you guys are DIFFERENT!

Lin: Yeah we get that a lot. Kat and I both write some steamy stuff. And I'm not sure there's anything of yours to compare it to...so maybe, today, at the very least, we have an unfair advantage over your...moldering prose...You wanna just give us the points in our ongoing little battle for this round?

BS: Not on your life! I, dear child, AM a CLASSIC...my words will be resonating long after your dust is tossed to the four winds of the universe...so BRING IT ON!

Lin: Okay, but just remember, you asked for this. What do you think Kat...what should we start with?

Kat: CHAMPAGNE AFTERNOON, Ma...definitely.

BS: Champagne? Now you're talking! I LOVE champagne!

Kat: (giggling) Yeah...well you'll LOVE Mom's take on Champagne. You wanna tell her or should I?

Lin: How about I just copy a snippet from Champagne Afternoon's buy page?

Kat: Oh Mom...no...not before giving him a little idea why CHAMPAGNE is in the title!

Lin: Daughter, you ARE wicked!

BS: What are you two talking about?


Lin: Billy do you know what a HOT TUB IS?

BS: Mmmmm no-o-o I don't think so!


Lin: It's like a little pool that people climb into...I'm trying to think of something you can relate to...okay think of a hidden grotto...got it? Now add the bubbling action of a waterfall, and the warmth of a hot spring. A hot tub has all of that and these blowers beneath the surface that creates bubbling water...THAT'S the champagne.

BS: Oh. Well that sounds...interesting.

Lin: Uh huh! Kat, you'd better grab the Dustbuster to scoop up his scattering ashes, just in case, when I tell him the next part.

Kat: Got it Mom...I'm ready.

BS: You're not going to HURT me are you?

Lin: Maybe your pride...a little. Okay, are you ready? Take that deliciously decadent hot tub, lift it out of its obscurity and plunk it down in the middle of a Nudist Camp...


Kat: Billy, breathe...come on...deep, calming breaths...


BS: You're lying. No one would REALLY want to read about such antics...would they?

Lin: It's one of MY books currently available from the HOT catalog at my Publisher Muse It Up Publishing...and here's what the back cover has to say:

CHAMPAGNE AFTERNOON: Back Cover

On a dare she finds herself here at a nudist camp, hovering inside the shower, praying the floor will open up before the water turns to ice and she has no choice but walk across that cavernous floor-to-ceiling windowed room and climb into the Olympic sized hot tub.
The idea is frightening enough when she believes she had this portion of the nudist camp all to herself, but the Fates stepped in and the other shower ran, turned off, letting her hear the slapping steps of another bather making the water churn upon entry out there to see all her insecurities.
Run! She needed to run. But she would never be able to live with herself if she turned coward after the four long hours it took to drive her.
It’s now or never!

Flip on the Dust Buster, Kat.

Hurry...catch him! I suppose we're going to have to return him to his crypt to AGE a bit. Guess he just wasn't quite ready for us to bring erotica to his psyche...yet!


Kat: Think he'll be ready for Lilith the next time we meet?

Lin: I don't know...he'll probably grab one look at her and take a powder...but maybe. After all he DID write about witches.

Kat: Yeah, but Lilith's not a witch, Mom...she an ass kicking vampire!

Lin: Maybe we'd better give him a week or so to...ferment before we hit him with Lilith and her people. In the meantime...at least we know in the ongoing battle between Billy and us Holmes Girls, we won the Battle Of The Champagne Confusion. <smirk>

CHAMPAGNE AFTERNOON

It's alive, well, and heating up the nearest nudist camp and all points in between.

Be sure to check out the Muse Sale Page and get your copy while the waters are a popping.

And stay tuned for the RETURN of Billy Shakespeare and his Face-to-Face meeting with the Powerfully fangy

Lilith. You do NOT want to miss it!

Monday, April 29, 2013

Scrambled Willie Shakespeare and We

We must beg forgiveness of our loyal followers.

Willie Shakespeare has been a truly musky, as in he's dropping bone dust everywhere he drifts, making me sneeze and giving poor Kat serial sinus infections, person. We had to invest in

gas masks...and YES, the BARD is that bad.

But moving on...we all know Willie is mighty proud of his rather bizarre

MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM, but Kat and I have in our arsenal our second collaboration




ONE NIGHT STUD.

Allow me to explain...our poor hero has to find his one true forever love in just one night and convince her he's not just a slam bam thank you ma'am kinda guy...problem is, up till this night, that's exactly what he's been.







Willie went into quite a tantrum. Let me refresh your memory on how he dresses...

...see...when he throws a tantrum, dressed like this, he looks like a ticked off cupcake trying really hard to jettison his chocolate icing top. Into this comedic rant he starts yelping "Remember Hamlet, Remember Hamlet."

I like "To be and not to be" as well as the next person, but let's face it...when you strip away all the folderol it boils down to Hamlet being haunted by his daddy's ghost and his uncle porking his mom.


Kat's

THE LIGHTHOUSE may not be an EXACT duplicate, but with a ghost haunting her niece, murder all afoot, and a towering lighthouse for ambiance, it's close. 

My story

TWILIGHT COMES has a lot of family dysfunction in it, and Hamlet definitely comes from a dysfunctional family. In mine an entire family must face the crashing power of the waves of their own deeds ripping them all apart. 

Oh boy oh boy, bet you didn't know Willie knows some really elegant curse words. Are my ear lobes red? They feel hot, like they're burning from the words Willie's snaping at us. In fact, I think Kat might just faint. Words are mighty powerful weapons in the right hands and let's face it this Bard dude has very creative hands.

ROMEO AND JULIET...The Bard is screeching...A love story he proclaims...HUH? They end up committing suicide. How is that romantic? Their families push them over the edge because of some harebrained feudal feud. Romantic?

Kat's Artica Lights Series

Book One FROZEN with Awni the queen of Artica, (If you look really hard you can see the lights) her skin so bitterly cold a touch from her means instant death, and how criminals are executed...but she's so alone...until...Brent...the lights bring him to Artica...and he doesn't die when Awni accidentally touches him...in fact he feels passionate heat...and thus the Queen marries her consort...romance...yeah...THAT'S romance...

Book two of this series

REFLECTIONS OF ICE (Can you see the lights in this one?)  Elric, Awni's right hand man, and the man who raised her sees in his mirror of vision of beauty that calls to him...He's crazy...no one sees such images in their mirrors, and if they do, they can't hope to ever have the real image here in Artica...But one day it happens...Romance...not easy to win...but with the lights?...maybe?

My own

FOREVER WITH YOU, Coryne  is very drawn to Keith, but she fights it...until...the surprise ending...Romance

HER LAST DAY the first collaboration of Kat and me...how can the eruption of Vesuvius and the destruction of Pompeii be romantic? But it is?

Mr. Shakespeare is pissed. He says we're cheating. Somehow we must be copying his work. SO I dared him to read my story








SUC-U...and he did...He's still stuttering and red around his gills...







 
I think we have once again one-upped the Bard.

This is Lin, writing as L.J. Holmes, and Kat Holmes signing off...for now.