Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Lin: How ya doing Billy? Did you manage to get out of the crypt okay?
Billy Shakespeare: Getting out of the crypt wasn't too bad, but you guys didn't tell me I was emerging into the center of an English soaker complete with 85 MPH winds. I think I lost some of my bone motes over the English Channel.
Kat: Yeah...speaking of that. May I ask you a personal question? How do you manage to stay up with all Mom and I and so many of the more MODERN authors do with you being...well...little more than dust?
BS: I have a very organized mind!
Lin: Still? After all this time in the ground? I thought brain matter...turned to ooze long before your bones turned to dust?
BS: That, My dear, is why you're still an UP AND COMING author and I...well I'm THE BARD!
Lin: Oh Yeah? Okay I admit you still are required reading in many schools, but every MODERN publisher and editor I've spoken with has there own take on whether you'd be published TODAY without some MAJOR rewrites. They ALSO tell me you wouldn't be much of a draw in today's literary market. You had PASSION in your writing, but it mostly happens inside the heads of your characters not in bold black and white.
BS: Decorum, Ms. Holmes. People love MY decorum.
Kat: Decorum my eyeball...Nowhere in ANY of your writings can I find you telling your characters to "tongue a clit!"
BS: <shaking so hard a storm of bone dusts swirls above our heads> Be still my non-beating heart! Oh what YOU said! Shame on you! And YOU...you're her mother and let her talk like this? Convent! You BOTH need to spend some quality time in a convent.
Lin: Come on, Billy...you're not kidding us. We KNOW your generation did the horizontal mambo just as much as the current generations so...you just want to PRETEND your more pious and circumspect about getting down and dirty. It's not washing!
BS: Did you bring me out of my comfort zone to challenge me on...things better left to the imagination?
Lin: Yeah actually we did! Kat and I have been talking a lot with our publisher about the world's need for erotica..hot, steamy, eyes sweating reads that get your libido pumping. We know you think Romeo and Juliet delivers that kind of tension and angst...and it does...sort of...you've got plenty of ANGST anyway, but where's the flesh slapping, gooey, raw fire?
BS: They were kids!
Kat: Kids you had fall so much in love they committed suicide when they couldn't have their way. I mean hell...those poor "kids" died without ever getting a chance to play "Hide-the-salami!" How romantic is that?
Lin: (shaking her head). Not today. Decorum has it's place...unless you're role playing you don't go outside and get raw and humpy-pumpy in public, but when you're reading a story, today, you want more between the pages than just unrequited sexual angst.
BS. Ohhh what you said! I think I may faint!
Lin: (shrugging) I think it takes more than being made up of bone dust to faint.
Kat: Yeah...how would you even know you've fainted?"
BS: The people of today are...you guys are DIFFERENT!
Lin: Yeah we get that a lot. Kat and I both write some steamy stuff. And I'm not sure there's anything of yours to compare it to...so maybe, today, at the very least, we have an unfair advantage over your...moldering prose...You wanna just give us the points in our ongoing little battle for this round?
BS: Not on your life! I, dear child, AM a CLASSIC...my words will be resonating long after your dust is tossed to the four winds of the universe...so BRING IT ON!
Lin: Okay, but just remember, you asked for this. What do you think Kat...what should we start with?
Kat: CHAMPAGNE AFTERNOON, Ma...definitely.
BS: Champagne? Now you're talking! I LOVE champagne!
Kat: (giggling) Yeah...well you'll LOVE Mom's take on Champagne. You wanna tell her or should I?
Lin: How about I just copy a snippet from Champagne Afternoon's buy page?
Kat: Oh Mom...no...not before giving him a little idea why CHAMPAGNE is in the title!
Lin: Daughter, you ARE wicked!
BS: What are you two talking about?
Lin: Billy do you know what a HOT TUB IS?
BS: Mmmmm no-o-o I don't think so!
Lin: It's like a little pool that people climb into...I'm trying to think of something you can relate to...okay think of a hidden grotto...got it? Now add the bubbling action of a waterfall, and the warmth of a hot spring. A hot tub has all of that and these blowers beneath the surface that creates bubbling water...THAT'S the champagne.
BS: Oh. Well that sounds...interesting.
Lin: Uh huh! Kat, you'd better grab the Dustbuster to scoop up his scattering ashes, just in case, when I tell him the next part.
Kat: Got it Mom...I'm ready.
BS: You're not going to HURT me are you?
Lin: Maybe your pride...a little. Okay, are you ready? Take that deliciously decadent hot tub, lift it out of its obscurity and plunk it down in the middle of a Nudist Camp...
Kat: Billy, breathe...come on...deep, calming breaths...
BS: You're lying. No one would REALLY want to read about such antics...would they?
Lin: It's one of MY books currently available from the HOT catalog at my Publisher Muse It Up Publishing...and here's what the back cover has to say:
CHAMPAGNE AFTERNOON: Back Cover
On a dare she finds herself here at a nudist camp, hovering inside the shower, praying the floor will open up before the water turns to ice and she has no choice but walk across that cavernous floor-to-ceiling windowed room and climb into the Olympic sized hot tub.
The idea is frightening enough when she believes she had this portion of the nudist camp all to herself, but the Fates stepped in and the other shower ran, turned off, letting her hear the slapping steps of another bather making the water churn upon entry out there to see all her insecurities.
Run! She needed to run. But she would never be able to live with herself if she turned coward after the four long hours it took to drive her.
It’s now or never!
Flip on the Dust Buster, Kat.
Hurry...catch him! I suppose we're going to have to return him to his crypt to AGE a bit. Guess he just wasn't quite ready for us to bring erotica to his psyche...yet!
Kat: Think he'll be ready for Lilith the next time we meet?
Lin: I don't know...he'll probably grab one look at her and take a powder...but maybe. After all he DID write about witches.
Kat: Yeah, but Lilith's not a witch, Mom...she an ass kicking vampire!
Lin: Maybe we'd better give him a week or so to...ferment before we hit him with Lilith and her people. In the meantime...at least we know in the ongoing battle between Billy and us Holmes Girls, we won the Battle Of The Champagne Confusion. <smirk>
It's alive, well, and heating up the nearest nudist camp and all points in between.
Be sure to check out the Muse Sale Page and get your copy while the waters are a popping.
And stay tuned for the RETURN of Billy Shakespeare and his Face-to-Face meeting with the Powerfully fangy
Lilith. You do NOT want to miss it!